Joe Reloaded

What is it that I am afraid of? 

During these times, I tried to identify whether I am afraid of anything. What I found was uninteresting and vague. But I also hit upon a fact that I don’t want to find out actually that I am afraid of something. May be I am afraid that I will eventually uncover that I am not as brave as I measure it to be. 

Is it my inability to face the truth or is it my illusion that I am on a mission that will help me explore the parts of my mind which is in dark. Whatever it may be my findings have helped me understand one thing, I am afraid I will hurt someone. 

It is a fact that you think about everything in a routine life, and what you think is usually based on the happenings around. One of my dear friends (a gal) says that you tend to look at things differently only when something out of the ordinary happens. That means you change your angle only when an abstract force shifts the dais you are on. 

But what does it have to do with my fear of nothing. Let me change my angle, “Everything I fear”. 

There is this girl… (There usually is one) 

I fear I may hurt her… so I lie to her, then I fear if I will be exposed some day, then I start giving bit by bit info about my lie and the truth with all the attitude I got. Then I forget that I lied ever and then start to feel that I am a very great actor and that I can cover my lies. After some days the day I celebrate the “Conscience Day” I feel I can’t continue hurting her and just imploring her for my illicit contentment. Eventually when I say the truth… I am afraid she will understand me and will not leave me for she has not found anybody like me in this world. 

Now I am afraid, and I contemplate I should not have been so good initially just to say to her one day that I am not even the reflection of goodness that she has. 

Fear…it is a state where you allow the situation to influence your decision making power and succumb to the known untruth.